We find ourselves on a path of descent, a journey that often catches us unaware in the midst of our spiritual growth. As we delve deeper into contemplative practices and shadow work, we discover that our usual coping mechanisms begin to falter. The ground beneath our feet seems to shift, and we’re left grappling with unresolved trauma and long-buried emotions.
In our late forties, many of us experience a profound shift. Perhaps it’s triggered by an intense period of spiritual study, like translating an ancient contemplative text, or by a significant life event that forces us to confront our past. We realize that the ways we’ve managed our pain and trauma for decades are no longer effective. The façade we’ve carefully constructed begins to crumble, revealing the raw, vulnerable core beneath.
Our journey with depression often begins much earlier, sometimes as far back as our teenage years. We become what therapists might call “high-functioning depressives,” managing to navigate our professional and personal lives while carrying an immense internal burden. We excel academically, achieve recognition, and appear successful on the outside, all while battling an invisible enemy within.
As we seek help, we discover new perspectives on our struggles. We learn that depression, far from being a simple weakness to overcome, can be a sign of ego strength and the ability to confront deep-seated pain. This realization challenges the simplistic advice we may have received in our youth, such as “just pray more” or “count your blessings.” We come to understand that true healing requires us to sit with our grief, anger, and brokenness rather than trying to push past them.
In our darkest moments, when even getting out of bed feels like an insurmountable task, we find solace in unexpected places. Long walks in nature become our sanctuary, offering a respite from the chaos of our minds. We feel befriended by the trees, the flowers, and the wildlife, drawing strength from their resilience. Like pines bending under the weight of ice only to straighten again, we learn that flexibility and endurance are key to survival.
We discover the power of sacred words, often without realizing their significance at first. The Bible verses we memorized as children for small rewards become anchors in our adult lives. These words, repeated and internalized, work their way into our very being, offering comfort and guidance when we need it most. We carry these verses with us, written on small cards, engaging in what we later learn is a form of Lectio Divina – a practice of sacred reading that nourishes our souls even in the midst of our struggles.
Our names take on new meaning as we navigate this path of descent. We find unexpected strength in the knowledge that our names carry significance – perhaps meaning “song” or “poem.” This simple fact becomes a lifeline, reminding us of our inherent worth and the beauty within us, even when we feel lost in darkness.
As we confront our pain in therapy, we learn the value of honesty – with ourselves, with others, and with God. We discover that it’s okay to question, to rage, to express our doubts and fears. We find that true healing comes not from suppressing these feelings but from allowing them to surface in a safe, supportive environment. We learn to sit with someone who won’t abandon or invade us, someone who can help us piece together our fragmented stories into a coherent narrative.
Through this process, we develop self-compassion. We become our own best friends, learning to treat ourselves with the kindness and understanding we so readily offer to others. This self-compassion becomes a powerful tool in our healing journey, allowing us to navigate the ups and downs of life with greater resilience and grace.
We come to understand that our spiritual journey isn’t always a straight path upward. Sometimes, the way up is the way down. We learn by unlearning, shedding old beliefs and coping mechanisms that no longer serve us. This descent, though painful, is a necessary part of our growth. It strips away our illusions and brings us face to face with our true selves.
In our moments of deepest despair, when even contemplative practices and spiritual knowledge seem to fail us, we find grounding in the simplest things. The rhythm of our feet on a forest path, the warmth of sunlight on our skin, the gentle rustling of leaves in the wind – these become our lifelines. We realize that our connection to the natural world is a profound source of healing and spiritual nourishment.
As we emerge from our descent, we carry with us a newfound wisdom. We understand now that spiritual growth isn’t about avoiding pain or difficulty, but about learning to move through it with grace and authenticity. We’ve learned the value of community, of sharing our stories with others who can hold space for our pain without trying to fix it.
We’ve discovered that true strength lies not in never falling, but in rising again each time we fall. Like the trees that bend but do not break in the storm, we’ve developed a resilience that allows us to weather life’s challenges with greater ease. We’ve learned to trust in the cyclical nature of life, knowing that periods of darkness are often followed by new growth and renewal.
Our journey has taught us the importance of integrating all aspects of ourselves – the light and the shadow, the joy and the pain. We’ve learned to embrace our whole selves, recognizing that even our struggles and imperfections are part of what makes us uniquely human and uniquely beloved.
As we continue on our spiritual path, we carry with us a deeper understanding of what it means to be present – not just in moments of peace and clarity, but in times of confusion and pain as well. We’ve learned to embody the practice of presence, staying grounded in our bodies and in the natural world even when our minds are in turmoil.
We move forward with a renewed sense of purpose, knowing that our experiences of descent have equipped us to offer compassion and understanding to others on similar journeys. We’ve become living testimonies to the transformative power of facing our pain and embracing our whole selves. And in this, we find a profound sense of peace and connection – to ourselves, to others, and to the divine presence that has been with us all along.
SUMMARY
The reflection explores a profound spiritual and emotional journey of descent experienced in the late forties, triggered by intense contemplative work on “The Cloud of Unknowing.” This period marked a significant shift where long-standing coping mechanisms for childhood trauma and chronic depression became ineffective, leading to a need for therapy and deeper self-exploration. The experience highlighted the complexity of depression, challenging simplistic religious advice and emphasizing the importance of confronting and integrating painful emotions. Throughout this journey, solace and grounding were found in nature, long walks, and the practice of memorizing and meditating on Bible verses, which later was recognized as a form of Lectio Divina.
The path of descent revealed the cyclical nature of spiritual growth, where facing difficulties and pain led to profound insights and personal development. It underscored the value of honesty with oneself and with God, allowing for the expression of all emotions, including anger and doubt, as crucial for healing. The reflection emphasizes the importance of integrating mind, body, and spirit in the healing process, as well as the significance of community and shared experiences in navigating life’s challenges. Ultimately, this journey of descent led to a deeper spiritual understanding, self-compassion, and a renewed sense of purpose, illustrating that sometimes the way up in spiritual growth is through the way down.
KEY POINTS
- A significant experience of descent occurred in the late forties, following intense contemplation and translation of *The Cloud of Unknowing*.
- This period involved confronting unresolved aspects of life, leading to a loss of effective coping mechanisms.
- Childhood trauma and chronic depression began at age 16, lasting for decades.
- Therapy became essential for integrating childhood experiences and addressing mental health challenges.
- Discovering D.W. Winnicott’s perspective on depression highlighted its complexity and potential for recovery.
- The notion of being a “high-functioning depressive” was identified, indicating a façade of normalcy despite internal struggles.
- Previous coping strategies included intellectual pursuits and avoidance, which ultimately proved ineffective.
- Long walks in nature and memorization of Bible verses provided grounding and solace.
- The practice of Lectio Divina emerged as a significant spiritual discipline, fostering a deep connection with scripture.
- Nature served as a source of healing and companionship, providing comfort during times of loneliness.
- Engaging in honest dialogue with God about pain and struggles facilitated emotional healing.
- Developing self-compassion and becoming one’s own best friend emerged as crucial aspects of the healing journey.
- Nature was described as a nurturing presence, offering solace and connection during difficult times.
- Experiences in nature reinforced the understanding of resilience and the cyclical nature of life.
- The journey through pain and descent ultimately led to deeper spiritual awareness and personal growth.
- The importance of community, friendships, and shared experiences in navigating life’s challenges was emphasized.
